THe Death of Cosmic Rogue?!?!? - General

Cosmic Colonel Posts: 53	Posted on Sat Feb 14, 2004 2:42 am This just in........... The Galactic Man Hunt has begun..... Cosmic T. Rogue, a member of the world famous gaming squad Fat Jaws Badness (a.k.a. FJB), has been reported missing. Here are the facts we know: Cosmic Rogue was last seen Tuesday, February 10, 2004 roaming the virtual world of Planet Side. While reports are sketchy right now, it was said the he wasn't his normal lethal self while playing the game. "He seemed to be stumbling and stuttering about, like he had a bad case of lag or somethin'" one witness reported. Another witness stated, "The last thing I heard him say was 'what the F#@k is wrong with my God D%$n connection!?! I'm laggin' like a Mother F#@ker!' and then I saw that Cosmic went link dead" While speculation of his whereabouts is running wild his fellow FJB members are cooperating with authorities to bring this case to a quick close. K-Money the founder and revered leader of FJB gave this statement to authories. "I've known Coz for some time now and its not that unusual that he's missing, over the last few years he has taken a few "leaves of abscence". Hell he's survived marriage, and brain cancer, I'm pretty sure that whatever's happened he's just fine and will return shortly. " When asked if he had any ideas where Cosmic was, Mr. Money replied "He's an asshole, just look anywhere assholes hang out." Slayer, another member of FJB, was quoted as saying "I don't know where Coz is, but I hope he comes back real soon. He's my idol and I really look up to him. Before I met Coz I thought I had become the best asshole I could be, but after seeing him in action, I realize that I still have a long way to go. He's taken being an asshole to a 'hole' new level, pardon the pun. Before he could be asked another question, Slayer jumped from his chair and ran out the door screaming "Rubi-Ka NEEDS me!" and perhaps this reporter is losing his mind but I swear I heard music after he said that. GreaseMonkey, another member of FJB, had this to say, "I don't know what happened to him, but I've been determined to find him ever since he disappeared. I've been trying to remember things Coz said and see if that could provide a start on where to look for him. I remember he once said that he 'couldn't get laid in a monkey whorehouse if he were covered in bananas', and I thought to myself, thats pretty bold statement to make unless you actually have evidence to back it up. So naturally I've been combing all of the monkey whorehouses in the area." When asked if his search had 'produce'd any results Grease made this final statement, "Coz? No....I haven't found him yet, but I have learned two things so far." When asked what those two things were, Grease replied " I've learned that Coz was completely wrong about the monkey whorehouses......and bananas are on sale for $0.69 a pound!!!!" This reporter was lucky enough to run into yet another member of FJB, Masquerade. When asked if he had any idea where Cosmic might be he said, "Someone actually wants to find him?!?! Wow, never woulda thought people would want him to come back. As for where he might be, I dunno, but if I were you I'd check out all the bathrooms you could find....and just follow the howling." Graxus, a veteran member of FJB, contacted me immediately after hearing the news. He immediately asked me if the rumors were true. After telling him that the were he began to sob and started muttering, "It can't be true!!! NO!! It can't be true! To be taken away so soon .......we should've been given more time!! Damn, this is unfair!!" When asked if he could explain why he was so broken up about the disappearance of Cosmic he said, "COSMIC?!? Who gives a rat's ass about that dickhead? I heard that McDonald's was pulling their Philly CheeseSteak off the menu!" As I was heading back to my office to prepare this artilce, I was approached by one last member of FJB, he said his name was BloodPod. A bit leary of this "gentleman" I reluctantly started to talk to him as he asked me if I was the one asking all of the questions. When I replied that I was he askd if he too, could give a statement. I agreed, and he said the following,"Ya it was wurs than last year, cars were flying o'erhead, trees were getting ripped outta the ground, and fer a secund der my house was only on two wheelz!" After taking a moment to explain to him that I wasn't the weather reporter reporting on the recent tornado that hit nearby, and explaining to him that I was investigating the disappearance of Cosmic Rogue he said, "Coz is gone? I dunno anything about that, but watch this....." "Look Mister!!! I'M A DOG!! I'M A DOG!!!" Some new leads have been uncovered, and authorities are looking into each and everyone of them. Until them we can only hope that Cosmic Rogue is safe, and will return shortly. *EDITOR'S NOTE*** Shortly before this article went to print a new clue on the whereabouts of Cosmic T. Rogue was found. One of our researchers had found a order placed on the internet by Cosmic for a new processor. Is it possible that an Asshole such as Cosmic simply fried his processor and is waiting for a new one to arrive, until he can return? WE MAY NEVER KNOW!! "I like to park in hadicapped spaces while handicapped peole make handicapped faces." - The Asshole Song [ This message was edited by: Cosmic on 2004-02-14 14:44 ]
	"I like to park in handicapped spaces while handicapped people make handicapped faces." - The Asshole Song


Dolemyte Commander Posts: 1116	Posted on Sat Feb 14, 2004 9:15 am .......that may be one of the funniest posts I have ever read. I put it in as a random quote but it totally fucked the site. SERIOUSLY funny stuff!!! I hope your processor travels swiftly! I don't remember you saying "hey guys I'm gonna try this and I'll be right back so you can walk me through getting my computer working again," but I'm sure you meant to say so.
	Dolemyte Commander